September was full of birthday celebrations, my daughters, followed by my own birthday and then 3 of my grandchildren; before I knew it the month just flew by.
Then it was October. The month that brings mixed emotions. I had 2 sons born in the month of October. My oldest son would have been 32 this month. His birthday was on October 8th. While it wasn't as hard emotionally as his death date, it still makes for a day full of emotion as I reflected on the life he had, and should still be having.
I decided on the first birthday following his death; that a tradition of decorating his grave on his birthday (for fall and the upcoming Halloween holiday) would become my way of keeping him and his memory alive on the day that I gave him birth. He loved Halloween; and so I wanted it to be a day of good memories; not of the ones missing him.
While nothing can ease the pain of losing a child; the memories of what time I had with my son has been a priceless gift in the end. And, now as we continue to move forward in the month, we are celebrating a daughter in law's special day and another son's birthday at the end of the month. With this I realize that life in perspective, is time building memories. One at a time. Whether you are building your own memories; or an intricate part of building someone else's, we are all a gift to each other. The little "pieces" of you; that you share with those that you meet, those you love, or even those that you are unaware of when crossing paths. It is those memories and actions that will weave the web of who we are. And the legacy that we become; and ultimately leave behind.
Stay true to yourself as Shakespere once said, and enjoy the simplicity of the moment. You never know how important that moment will be to yourself, or someone else one day. Live, Love and Cherish Life.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
WOW, what a great weekend it was. We had the opportunity to participate in the MS MUD Run. It was really something cool, not only because it raised money for Multiple Sclerosis, but it was fun and made people aware of what Multiple Sclerosis actually is. This event was held at the Miller Motor Sports Park. Joe, my husband and our new neighbors ran the mud race; a 10K with several obstacles along the 6mile course. They definitely got MUDDY! There were log walks, (over mud) and rope swings, mine fields that they had to crawl under fences, tunnels, cargo nets, over and under's and some surprise mud pits.
I volunteered to help with the racers, and had a great time watching, helping as well as getting to know some people who had MS as well; and some new faces including Bob Harmon who helped sponsor the event. He is one of the owner's of Harmon's Grocery Stores in Utah.
What was so interesting to me was that the mud run was actually introduced as a way to familiarize MS to those people participating; and what it actually feels like to those of us who live with it. The obstacle course was set up to represent the many challenges and obstacles those of us who have MS face daily. The mud, was to represent the struggle it is for us to walk just like we often feel; something like walking in mud or wet cement. Our legs get heavy, weak and feel like they are weighed down, making it very difficult to move. The race to the finish was to represent the push we have to move forward, to constantly overcome our challenges and to make it through another day, another week, another year etc. I was very impressed with the analogy of the event.
The next day my husband, son and myself went hiking again. We hiked to a beautiful lake called Lake Mary. It is located above the ski resorts; a hidden lake that was well worth the climb. The elevation is about 9600 ft. And other than the pesky mosquito's that were up there, the serene lake reflection of the surrounding scenery was spectacular. I've included pictures of both to show how great the mud run turned out as well as the reward I got from trudging up the mountain side as difficult as it is. MS is something I have....but MS definitely does NOT have me! :)
I volunteered to help with the racers, and had a great time watching, helping as well as getting to know some people who had MS as well; and some new faces including Bob Harmon who helped sponsor the event. He is one of the owner's of Harmon's Grocery Stores in Utah.
What was so interesting to me was that the mud run was actually introduced as a way to familiarize MS to those people participating; and what it actually feels like to those of us who live with it. The obstacle course was set up to represent the many challenges and obstacles those of us who have MS face daily. The mud, was to represent the struggle it is for us to walk just like we often feel; something like walking in mud or wet cement. Our legs get heavy, weak and feel like they are weighed down, making it very difficult to move. The race to the finish was to represent the push we have to move forward, to constantly overcome our challenges and to make it through another day, another week, another year etc. I was very impressed with the analogy of the event.
The next day my husband, son and myself went hiking again. We hiked to a beautiful lake called Lake Mary. It is located above the ski resorts; a hidden lake that was well worth the climb. The elevation is about 9600 ft. And other than the pesky mosquito's that were up there, the serene lake reflection of the surrounding scenery was spectacular. I've included pictures of both to show how great the mud run turned out as well as the reward I got from trudging up the mountain side as difficult as it is. MS is something I have....but MS definitely does NOT have me! :)
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| Just getting there. I volunteered, my hubby ran it. |
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| Getting ready for the shotgun start |
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| On your mark, get set....GO! |
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| And they were off. The first wave of runners; which Joe ran in. |
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| Coming in for the finish...a little dirty... |
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| We did it...He ran, I helped; and it was all for MS. |
Thursday, August 11, 2011
As time goes by and we find we are always busy and life doesn't slow down I realized that I better take my own advice that I blogged about last time. Enjoying the time and life we have. So, with that I took a challenge that my husband presented to me; to try to hike to the peak of a mountain top. "Yeah Right, Uh I have MS" I'm thinking...then I actually thought...."why not"?
So the next weekend, we got up early and invited our son the avid hiker to join us as we attempted to climb to the top of Grandeur Peak. I know it isn't MT. EVEREST or anything, but to me it was. I was nervous to try it, but then I thought if I do this I can put that on my list of things that I thought I would never do and did!
Six thirty in the morning we are rolling down the street to pick up our son. We drive out to the Canyon and park a half mile away from the trail head parking because it isn't open yet to park. With that little bit more added to my 'hike' I was even more concerned because by the time we made it to the actual trail head I was ready to call it a day. Never less, we kept going. I was like a little kid... "How much longer til we get there"? And, my husband and son were very patient with me as I had to stop along the way to catch my breath. Rest my legs and just take in some Kodak moments.
I asked my son how long it usually took him to scale this peak. And, then the depressing answer came. "Well, I usually do it in 1 1/2 to 2 hrs up and 1 hr down". WHAT? We weren't even half way and it had been almost 2 hrs. I was really slowing him down obviously. But, we kept going. Eventually, we were at the base of the last climb. One that you had to do on your hands and feet, mind you because of the rocky terrain. We kept climbing and it was then I was determined to make it if I had to crawl the rest of the way.
When we reached the peak, I must say the view was breathtaking. We could see the whole SLC valley and farther. We could see a close up of MT. OLYMPUS and a panoramic view of Park City Summit, the SLC Valley and the up close mountain ranges on the other side. WOW. We stayed there for about 40 minutes just enjoying the view and serenity, and I was thinking the descend would be a piece of cake compared. HA. Was I wrong. I think it was about the same in effort actually. I was hot, tired and very thirsty since we had just depleted our water as we didn't plan enough to bring and realized that too late. So, we kept it up one step at a time. Our son had to get to work, so he headed on ahead of us and had a ride come get him. We thought we'd be down before too long too, but NOPE.... it took over 2 1/2 hrs to go down. We had spent almost 6 1/2 hrs hiking round trip to the top of this mountain. The last 1 mile down I lost use of my legs. MS strikes again. I luckily had some trekking poles that our son lent me or I would not have made it off that mountain. The last mile I was walking on legs that I could not feel. The feet were numb, the legs extremely heavy and uncooperative. I was mad now. I wanted to say I did this, and now my legs poop out?!
But, I kept going, slowly; but going. I used those poles to bear my weight like crutches and kept thinking that I am almost done....then another long trail around the bend...sigh. We kept going and eventually Joe my husband left me close to the trail head to run down and get the car since now he could drive up to the parking lot. I got down and when I saw the parking lot I literally slumped down and just sat on the asphalt and waited for my ride home. I felt defeated, tired and weak. But, guess what? I DID IT!! I actually climbed a mountain. I have MS and I climbed a mountain and I didn't give up! It was then I realized that even though it was extremely hard, and seemed impossible I did not give up and I tried it even though I deep down didn't think I'd make it. And by trying I can now check off, "Climb a Mountain" off my bucket list. :)
So the next weekend, we got up early and invited our son the avid hiker to join us as we attempted to climb to the top of Grandeur Peak. I know it isn't MT. EVEREST or anything, but to me it was. I was nervous to try it, but then I thought if I do this I can put that on my list of things that I thought I would never do and did!
Six thirty in the morning we are rolling down the street to pick up our son. We drive out to the Canyon and park a half mile away from the trail head parking because it isn't open yet to park. With that little bit more added to my 'hike' I was even more concerned because by the time we made it to the actual trail head I was ready to call it a day. Never less, we kept going. I was like a little kid... "How much longer til we get there"? And, my husband and son were very patient with me as I had to stop along the way to catch my breath. Rest my legs and just take in some Kodak moments.
I asked my son how long it usually took him to scale this peak. And, then the depressing answer came. "Well, I usually do it in 1 1/2 to 2 hrs up and 1 hr down". WHAT? We weren't even half way and it had been almost 2 hrs. I was really slowing him down obviously. But, we kept going. Eventually, we were at the base of the last climb. One that you had to do on your hands and feet, mind you because of the rocky terrain. We kept climbing and it was then I was determined to make it if I had to crawl the rest of the way.
When we reached the peak, I must say the view was breathtaking. We could see the whole SLC valley and farther. We could see a close up of MT. OLYMPUS and a panoramic view of Park City Summit, the SLC Valley and the up close mountain ranges on the other side. WOW. We stayed there for about 40 minutes just enjoying the view and serenity, and I was thinking the descend would be a piece of cake compared. HA. Was I wrong. I think it was about the same in effort actually. I was hot, tired and very thirsty since we had just depleted our water as we didn't plan enough to bring and realized that too late. So, we kept it up one step at a time. Our son had to get to work, so he headed on ahead of us and had a ride come get him. We thought we'd be down before too long too, but NOPE.... it took over 2 1/2 hrs to go down. We had spent almost 6 1/2 hrs hiking round trip to the top of this mountain. The last 1 mile down I lost use of my legs. MS strikes again. I luckily had some trekking poles that our son lent me or I would not have made it off that mountain. The last mile I was walking on legs that I could not feel. The feet were numb, the legs extremely heavy and uncooperative. I was mad now. I wanted to say I did this, and now my legs poop out?!
But, I kept going, slowly; but going. I used those poles to bear my weight like crutches and kept thinking that I am almost done....then another long trail around the bend...sigh. We kept going and eventually Joe my husband left me close to the trail head to run down and get the car since now he could drive up to the parking lot. I got down and when I saw the parking lot I literally slumped down and just sat on the asphalt and waited for my ride home. I felt defeated, tired and weak. But, guess what? I DID IT!! I actually climbed a mountain. I have MS and I climbed a mountain and I didn't give up! It was then I realized that even though it was extremely hard, and seemed impossible I did not give up and I tried it even though I deep down didn't think I'd make it. And by trying I can now check off, "Climb a Mountain" off my bucket list. :)
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| The sunrise as we are driving to the canyon to begin the hike |
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| Just getting started. My husband Joe, and our goofy son Cory (he can't take a pic w/o making a face!) |
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| Up we go, and I am finding out steep it really is getting |
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| But, OH MY GOSH...the views! |
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| Green, and serene |
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| Getting further up and now you can see the tops of the adjacent MT |
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| This is taken from the last break before the big climb to the top |
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| Cory and Joe waiting on me....sigh |
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| YES, almost there they told me~ |
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| WE MADE IT! Can you believe how small the valley is? |
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| Me (Stephanie) elated to make it all the way up and still be able to stand. |
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| Oh yeah baby......I rock, I did it! I have MS and I did it! |
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| Another view before we decide to go back down the way we came up... YIKES |
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| Hot, and tired. Shed my over shirt even, but I was sure happy I had trek poles |
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| Getting close to the trail head but moving OH SO SLOW. MY legs were toast by now |
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| Using the poles to move me literally. Thanks Cory for letting me borrow these. I coudn't of done it without them. |
Monday, July 18, 2011
I can't believe six weeks have passed since I dropped a few lines. I wonder sometimes how time can pass so quickly when I have so much going on and it seems I don't have time enough to barely come up for air before the next event in my life. Yet, there are days that time seems like forever and you wish and long for the next hour, next day and sometimes the next minute.
Time however is something we don't seem to enjoy enough. The time we spend doing the things we love, the things we sometimes hate and the things that we will never get the chance to do again. Time is precious. Time is a gift that we take for granted.
I have a 'bucket list' on the blog; a list of things and places that I hope to have time to accomplish and visit before I am either dead or can't do those things on that list anymore because of mobility etc. AND...I think everyone needs a 'bucket list'. Not so much to concentrate on impeding death one day, but to concentrate on LIFE and what opportunities are out there so YOU can truly experience life before it is too late.
My son passing away has certainly brought this lesson to the fore front and has taught me that life is too precious to waste, to delay and to compromise the things we want because of time, circumstances and or just being too tired. GOI Get Over It. Life will continue on, whether we choose our destiny or not. The time we waste thinking about those things will go by regardless of if we actually do them or only wish we did. So, the moral of my post today is.....Don't let time get away from you and dedicate some of your time to do something that you've always wanted to do. It doesn't have to be exotic, expensive or even that cool. It can be as simple as a picnic in the middle of a field enjoying the sunshine and all the dragonflies; something that I just did this weekend.
I plan to elaborate some of my bucket list items on the next post. The whats, whys and whens.
For now I challenge you to take a moment to enjoy life. There are plenty of moments that can make lasting memories. Make yours happen. :)
Time however is something we don't seem to enjoy enough. The time we spend doing the things we love, the things we sometimes hate and the things that we will never get the chance to do again. Time is precious. Time is a gift that we take for granted.
I have a 'bucket list' on the blog; a list of things and places that I hope to have time to accomplish and visit before I am either dead or can't do those things on that list anymore because of mobility etc. AND...I think everyone needs a 'bucket list'. Not so much to concentrate on impeding death one day, but to concentrate on LIFE and what opportunities are out there so YOU can truly experience life before it is too late.
My son passing away has certainly brought this lesson to the fore front and has taught me that life is too precious to waste, to delay and to compromise the things we want because of time, circumstances and or just being too tired. GOI Get Over It. Life will continue on, whether we choose our destiny or not. The time we waste thinking about those things will go by regardless of if we actually do them or only wish we did. So, the moral of my post today is.....Don't let time get away from you and dedicate some of your time to do something that you've always wanted to do. It doesn't have to be exotic, expensive or even that cool. It can be as simple as a picnic in the middle of a field enjoying the sunshine and all the dragonflies; something that I just did this weekend.
I plan to elaborate some of my bucket list items on the next post. The whats, whys and whens.
For now I challenge you to take a moment to enjoy life. There are plenty of moments that can make lasting memories. Make yours happen. :)
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Two years ago today, my son Josh took his life.
He was 29; soon to be 30. Josh was a good looking, happy, outgoing and a very charismatic person. We really had no idea we would lose him to such a tragic ending.
He was 29; soon to be 30. Josh was a good looking, happy, outgoing and a very charismatic person. We really had no idea we would lose him to such a tragic ending.
Somehow circumstances got the best of him, and his emotions must have spiralled to a point that he felt the only way out was death. While we often wonder just exactly what drove him to this desperate act; we fear we may never know the truth of
that fateful day. There are many unanswered questions, facts that don't seem right and circumstances that were completely out of the normal. But, since only he has the answers; we chose to remember him for who he was and not dwell on the "whys".
Today I write about this, not to be graphic; but to share the reality of what suicide does to a family. To friends. To co-workers. To those that were somehow a part of some one's life and now are only left with memories.
Josh chose to leave this world sitting in a ravine located in a lonely lava rock bed
in West Idaho Falls area. It was raining that day, and he must have been in a very somber mood as he took his 12gage shot gun (not the typical weapon used in a suicide) and drove his truck out to the chosen spot. A spot that was both serene and beautiful yet at the same time so desolate and lonely; knowing he was about to end his life and forever change the lives of those close to him. Please reach out to those that may be contemplating suicide or that have threatened it. It may not be too late. Our son never expressed his thoughts to us of self harm; but silently he was crying for help. Stop to listen carefully to those around you who may also be doing the same. If one life can be saved from suicide awareness then sharing our story of losing Josh isn't in vain.
God Bless.
Those we love don't go away,
They walk beside us every day,
Unseen, unheard, but always near,
Still loved, still missed and very dear.
- Anonymous
They walk beside us every day,
Unseen, unheard, but always near,
Still loved, still missed and very dear.
- Anonymous
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Last weekend, I received a very nice compliment. It came from my mother. Yeah, I know...Mom's do that. But this compliment meant a lot to me for a reason.
The compliment was that she wanted to submit me to be a "Poster Child" for Multiple Sclerosis. I just laughed, because I had only called her to let her know our plans so somebody would be aware of where we were in case something were to happen to us. We were out riding our motorcycle and had planned a 6-7 hour ride that day and had stopped to grab a bite to eat.
But, she explained that she couldn't believe that I do all I do with MS; that I am always on the go and that I could help someone that was just told they have the disease by proving that MS doesn't have to debilitate you once you receive the diagnosis. AHHHHH....wasn't that was so sweet?!
But the truth is, when I was diagnosed with MS in 2003 I thought life as I knew it was over. I worried that I would be in a wheelchair within a year or so, and that I was going to be a burden to those around me for the rest of my life. I cried and went through a terrible depression and struggled to come to grips with the pain that MS brings; not only physically but emotionally.
Since that day (the day before my birthday that year) that I was told ...."You have MS". I have tried to live my life as if I might be in a wheelchair in the near future, or that I might not be able to do the things I can do today. In a nutshell, I decided that life is too short to sit around and wait for the day I am doomed, so I decided to take control of my MS; so it doesn't control me.
I have since been skydiving, white water rafting, zip-lining in a jungle and have handled snakes (that was to prove to myself I could). I teach water aerobics (yes...even with MS). I am always on the 'go'. I am busy conquering my fears, overcoming my weaknesses and living my dreams that constitute the so-called "bucket list".
Life has a way of keeping us on our toes. If it isn't from the constant drama, (which is always in abundance in my life it seems) then it is from the constant change and need to stay on top of all the many things we obligate ourselves to do. LIFE is just busy. And, if we have a few spare minutes, we need to play, we need to relax or just stop to enjoy the moment.
The last few weeks have been crammed with projects we are doing in our home; some remodeling, moving rooms around and just trying to get re-organized, not to mention a whole bunch of emotional upsets we were given this past few weeks aka more drama! In between that , we flew to California to help our son move and watch their 2 young boys while they put things away and set up house. When we returned, we were welcomed back by more projects, yard work and a list of honey-do's.
BUT....guess what? We chose to set aside some time and we rode our motorcycle. WHY? Because we can. Because we may not be here tomorrow, but the projects will be and they can wait a day.
There is nothing more exhilarating than taking time to enjoy what we have, what the world has to offer, and what God has created for us to explore. Take time to enjoy, if only for a moment. My moment was wonderful, and now as I sit here with a pile of papers to file, boxes of sewing equipment to put away, photos to frame so I can finish hanging the decor in my craft room; not to mention another batch of laundry that just finished drying I need to go fold, I choose to take another moment to write.
The moment may be different from that of wind in my face while I watch the clouds as I sit on the back of the motorcycle touring the back roads. But, it is my moment. A moment just for me.
Make a moment for yourself everyday. There are too many times we don't and wish we did. If it were not for my "moment's" I would not be the person who my mother thinks should be the poster child. I seize life now, more so because I have a son that lost it, and with MS I now have to fight for it. LIFE IS GOOD. Don't forget that when you are consumed by all the 'stuff'. It is only stuff, and that is the moment when you need to stop....and take your moment. :)
The compliment was that she wanted to submit me to be a "Poster Child" for Multiple Sclerosis. I just laughed, because I had only called her to let her know our plans so somebody would be aware of where we were in case something were to happen to us. We were out riding our motorcycle and had planned a 6-7 hour ride that day and had stopped to grab a bite to eat.
But, she explained that she couldn't believe that I do all I do with MS; that I am always on the go and that I could help someone that was just told they have the disease by proving that MS doesn't have to debilitate you once you receive the diagnosis. AHHHHH....wasn't that was so sweet?!
But the truth is, when I was diagnosed with MS in 2003 I thought life as I knew it was over. I worried that I would be in a wheelchair within a year or so, and that I was going to be a burden to those around me for the rest of my life. I cried and went through a terrible depression and struggled to come to grips with the pain that MS brings; not only physically but emotionally.
Since that day (the day before my birthday that year) that I was told ...."You have MS". I have tried to live my life as if I might be in a wheelchair in the near future, or that I might not be able to do the things I can do today. In a nutshell, I decided that life is too short to sit around and wait for the day I am doomed, so I decided to take control of my MS; so it doesn't control me.
I have since been skydiving, white water rafting, zip-lining in a jungle and have handled snakes (that was to prove to myself I could). I teach water aerobics (yes...even with MS). I am always on the 'go'. I am busy conquering my fears, overcoming my weaknesses and living my dreams that constitute the so-called "bucket list".
Life has a way of keeping us on our toes. If it isn't from the constant drama, (which is always in abundance in my life it seems) then it is from the constant change and need to stay on top of all the many things we obligate ourselves to do. LIFE is just busy. And, if we have a few spare minutes, we need to play, we need to relax or just stop to enjoy the moment.
The last few weeks have been crammed with projects we are doing in our home; some remodeling, moving rooms around and just trying to get re-organized, not to mention a whole bunch of emotional upsets we were given this past few weeks aka more drama! In between that , we flew to California to help our son move and watch their 2 young boys while they put things away and set up house. When we returned, we were welcomed back by more projects, yard work and a list of honey-do's.
BUT....guess what? We chose to set aside some time and we rode our motorcycle. WHY? Because we can. Because we may not be here tomorrow, but the projects will be and they can wait a day.
There is nothing more exhilarating than taking time to enjoy what we have, what the world has to offer, and what God has created for us to explore. Take time to enjoy, if only for a moment. My moment was wonderful, and now as I sit here with a pile of papers to file, boxes of sewing equipment to put away, photos to frame so I can finish hanging the decor in my craft room; not to mention another batch of laundry that just finished drying I need to go fold, I choose to take another moment to write.
The moment may be different from that of wind in my face while I watch the clouds as I sit on the back of the motorcycle touring the back roads. But, it is my moment. A moment just for me.
Make a moment for yourself everyday. There are too many times we don't and wish we did. If it were not for my "moment's" I would not be the person who my mother thinks should be the poster child. I seize life now, more so because I have a son that lost it, and with MS I now have to fight for it. LIFE IS GOOD. Don't forget that when you are consumed by all the 'stuff'. It is only stuff, and that is the moment when you need to stop....and take your moment. :)
Monday, April 25, 2011
This weekend my husband and I spent a lot of time riding our motorcycle together. We rode to some small towns, had dinner and took many back roads to enjoy the scenery. As we drove and I watched the birds fly, the clouds change shapes and the many wonders of this world; my mind turned to Josh...my son.
My thoughts were wondering why he would choose to leave a world so full of beauty and wonder, and if where he is now is even more beautiful. There isn't a day I don't think of him and I always wonder what would take him away from us. What was it that he was dealing with that he felt was more than he could take, or to ask for help with it? We were close, we talked daily or almost daily. And, with all those conversations he never mentioned that he was hurting.
During the last 21 months we have sought answers to many questions surrounding his suicide. WHY? is the biggest question, and the one question that any family who faces our circumstances will ask. And, sadly it is the one question we may never really find an answer to.
Josh had the world going for him or so we thought. He took his life on June 2, 2009. A few months before his 30th birthday. He was an outgoing, fun and energetic person that EVERYONE loved to be around. We always heard how funny he is (was) and how he made it so fun to go to work. Josh was good looking, he had a quirky personality, he loved to play practical jokes, and impersonate celebrities IE; Jim Carey. Josh had many friends, a great job...a family. He had just finished the basement in the home they lived in. He was a tropical aquarium enthusiast, and had just built a 6ft aquarium into the wall to house his many exotic fish he had accumulated. It was amazing! He adored his baby girl who was only 8months old at the time of his death; he seemed to have the world ahead of him....and not something he would leave behind.
After doing some research on the subject of suicide we found some eye opening statistics. Those statistics are what also drive us to be such advocates to prevent suicide. Some of my thoughts and findings are:
1. http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
My thoughts were wondering why he would choose to leave a world so full of beauty and wonder, and if where he is now is even more beautiful. There isn't a day I don't think of him and I always wonder what would take him away from us. What was it that he was dealing with that he felt was more than he could take, or to ask for help with it? We were close, we talked daily or almost daily. And, with all those conversations he never mentioned that he was hurting.
During the last 21 months we have sought answers to many questions surrounding his suicide. WHY? is the biggest question, and the one question that any family who faces our circumstances will ask. And, sadly it is the one question we may never really find an answer to.
Josh had the world going for him or so we thought. He took his life on June 2, 2009. A few months before his 30th birthday. He was an outgoing, fun and energetic person that EVERYONE loved to be around. We always heard how funny he is (was) and how he made it so fun to go to work. Josh was good looking, he had a quirky personality, he loved to play practical jokes, and impersonate celebrities IE; Jim Carey. Josh had many friends, a great job...a family. He had just finished the basement in the home they lived in. He was a tropical aquarium enthusiast, and had just built a 6ft aquarium into the wall to house his many exotic fish he had accumulated. It was amazing! He adored his baby girl who was only 8months old at the time of his death; he seemed to have the world ahead of him....and not something he would leave behind.
After doing some research on the subject of suicide we found some eye opening statistics. Those statistics are what also drive us to be such advocates to prevent suicide. Some of my thoughts and findings are:
- How often do you read the obituaries and see a young persons picture, and you are automatically drawn to that person to see what happened? You read the obituary to find out why they passed away so young, yet often there is not a cause of death listed. That is because many of those deaths are by suicide, and the taboo of listing such a cause is not only embarrassing but makes the family vulnerable to questions and assumptions that the deceased person was either crazy or had issues. On the contrary, if everyone was required to list the cause of death in an obituary, those that took their life would then be made public, and the realization would be made that suicide is a growing problem and needs to be addressed. Wouldn’t there then be a new awareness of the hidden problem called depression?
- For every suicide there are about 10 people that are directly affected by the death (family, friends, co-workers etc.). That means for the 33, 500 suicides that occur every year in the
United States - Women actually attempt suicide more than men. Statistically, females attempting suicide is a three to one ratio over men. However, more males die from their suicide attempts than females; at a four to one ratio because they typically use a firearm, while females generally use drugs. Of both men and women, there are approximately 750,000 attempted suicides per year that didn’t end fatally. This only proves that there is a growing problem in our society; not only with suicide; but more importantly depression, since untreated depression is the number one cause of suicide and attempts of suicide.
- Some of the best sources on suicide information are:
1. http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
2. http://suicide.org
3. http://www.psycom.net/depression.central.suicide.html
4. Suicide: Survivors. A guide for those left behind - Adina Wrableski
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Who knew that GOOGLE blog spot would become my diary of sorts? And, who knew that so many people would actually want to read it?! Thank you for visiting my blog, and for your interest in my story.
I really do want to make a difference somehow by being candid and open with the challenges that I have experienced; you know... the ones that have molded me into a 'stronger woman' (wink) OK, that may be a questionable statement on being stronger, but I do feel like I now fit the cliche'. "That which doesn't kill you will make you stronger".
So? You wonder, what is it exactly that I have been through and what is the deal? I haven't been through any more than many of you. We all have our own burdens to bear. Some people have health problems, some money problems, some relationship problems, and some just have problems; if you know what I mean. :) But, most of us wouldn't trade those problems after we know what other options we might have had to deal with.
I am the oldest of 6 children. I was not a perfect child, but I will tell you I didn't get into trouble. I was always the responsible, dependable and obedient kid. I graduated with a 4.0 and overall 3.97 GPA. The amazing part of that is that while I graduated with such a high grade point average, I also graduated with an 8 month old baby.
I feel like Loretta Lynn, I was a child bride. I got married at 16 during my junior year of high school, and broke one of many statistics by not only finishing high school, but by graduating with high honors. I loved learning, I still do. I love the exhilaration of gaining knowledge and being able to apply it. What I am not digging so much is the lessons that life teaches us. But, I figure that knowledge is knowledge, and it is still something I can apply...by teaching someone else what I have learned.
I had a great childhood. The only thing I can complain about is being the oldest and having to do more of the chores, or babysitting. Or maybe that I had to wear glasses since I was in the 3rd grade. A real self esteem hit, especially when my aunt who was a beautician poofed my hair up for school pictures (it was a major bouffant Doris Day look) which wasn't the style in those days for a 4th grader; and not only did I feel like a geek, I truly looked the part for that photo. UGH.
So, the fact that overall I was a really good kid, I still ponder just what I did to deserve some of the things I have faced. I will never know what the answer to that question is until after I am gone, but like I said before...I think I was either last in line while up in heaven for the good stuff, or else I am truly supposed to learn and teach.
Stay tuned for my first lesson~
I really do want to make a difference somehow by being candid and open with the challenges that I have experienced; you know... the ones that have molded me into a 'stronger woman' (wink) OK, that may be a questionable statement on being stronger, but I do feel like I now fit the cliche'. "That which doesn't kill you will make you stronger".
So? You wonder, what is it exactly that I have been through and what is the deal? I haven't been through any more than many of you. We all have our own burdens to bear. Some people have health problems, some money problems, some relationship problems, and some just have problems; if you know what I mean. :) But, most of us wouldn't trade those problems after we know what other options we might have had to deal with.
I am the oldest of 6 children. I was not a perfect child, but I will tell you I didn't get into trouble. I was always the responsible, dependable and obedient kid. I graduated with a 4.0 and overall 3.97 GPA. The amazing part of that is that while I graduated with such a high grade point average, I also graduated with an 8 month old baby.
I feel like Loretta Lynn, I was a child bride. I got married at 16 during my junior year of high school, and broke one of many statistics by not only finishing high school, but by graduating with high honors. I loved learning, I still do. I love the exhilaration of gaining knowledge and being able to apply it. What I am not digging so much is the lessons that life teaches us. But, I figure that knowledge is knowledge, and it is still something I can apply...by teaching someone else what I have learned.
I had a great childhood. The only thing I can complain about is being the oldest and having to do more of the chores, or babysitting. Or maybe that I had to wear glasses since I was in the 3rd grade. A real self esteem hit, especially when my aunt who was a beautician poofed my hair up for school pictures (it was a major bouffant Doris Day look) which wasn't the style in those days for a 4th grader; and not only did I feel like a geek, I truly looked the part for that photo. UGH.
So, the fact that overall I was a really good kid, I still ponder just what I did to deserve some of the things I have faced. I will never know what the answer to that question is until after I am gone, but like I said before...I think I was either last in line while up in heaven for the good stuff, or else I am truly supposed to learn and teach.
Stay tuned for my first lesson~
Friday, April 15, 2011
Something I often get asked is, "How do you keep going with all you've been through"? My answer is that you have a choice. The choice is to give up or follow through and endure. Endurance is not the easiest route sometimes, but I will tell you it is the most rewarding option when you conquer yet another thing that you never thought you could, or would ever have to.
I think when we were all in heaven and God was passing out trials for us to deal with on earth, I must of been a martyr of sorts. Nobody wanted to deal with some of the things that were being handed out, and when nobody would own the adversity being offered; I must have felt bad--and I am guessing I must of kept raising my hand to take on those problems too. So, whether I was a sucker for punishment in heaven, or whether I am actually being used to teach a lesson, learn a lesson, or all of the above...
I am in it for the ride.
I don't want to lead you to believe that my life sucks, because it doesn't. My life has had so many wonderful moments that I have been able to seize and experience and I am very blessed.
One early morning I was driving to work during a rain storm, I flipped on the radio to loose myself to music because I was in the mode of being sad, feeling sorry for my pathetic situation and circumstances and just wanted a diversion. Instead it was not music that met my ears, it was the radio DJ which happened to be the morning family radio talk show/music host each morning. He was talking about how sick he was of asking people how they were, and getting a response such as, "I don't feel good", "I wish I had more money", I never have enough time to get everything done" and other negative things that left him wishing he had never asked that question to start with.
He went on to talk about how nice it would be if everyone would just take 5 minutes at the start of each day to look at the wonders of the world. To appreciate something that they take for granted everyday; like the sunrise; the clouds, a flower, a tree or the sound of a baby crying because that represented life; and is a miracle in itself.
His morning sermon on being grateful for life, for challenges and for the little things was something that I will never forget. The most important thing I learned that day has changed my attitude on everything; and little did I know how much that lesson would carry me through so many things; health issues from being diagnosed with heart problems then MS to dealing with teen issues. But the plague of death that hit our family was some of the darkest times I have had to face. Starting with the death of my grandson, then my father in law, and then only 3 months later...the suicide of my oldest son followed by yet more death; my mother in law, my dear friend and my grandmother. But what is hardest right now is all the baggage that has polluted our life as a result of our son's tragic suicide.
What I learned is this: Look for a silver lining in EVERY situation. Find one good thing that came from it (or more if you can), and cling to that. It will keep you from dwelling on the bad; it will give you hope and keep you positive in the most dire circumstance. And if you look for the silver lining; no matter what it is you are dealing with; YOU WILL FIND IT! I do promise you that. So, as it is... I am always looking for my silver lining. Even if it is the most minuscule thing.
I think when we were all in heaven and God was passing out trials for us to deal with on earth, I must of been a martyr of sorts. Nobody wanted to deal with some of the things that were being handed out, and when nobody would own the adversity being offered; I must have felt bad--and I am guessing I must of kept raising my hand to take on those problems too. So, whether I was a sucker for punishment in heaven, or whether I am actually being used to teach a lesson, learn a lesson, or all of the above...
I am in it for the ride.
I don't want to lead you to believe that my life sucks, because it doesn't. My life has had so many wonderful moments that I have been able to seize and experience and I am very blessed.
One early morning I was driving to work during a rain storm, I flipped on the radio to loose myself to music because I was in the mode of being sad, feeling sorry for my pathetic situation and circumstances and just wanted a diversion. Instead it was not music that met my ears, it was the radio DJ which happened to be the morning family radio talk show/music host each morning. He was talking about how sick he was of asking people how they were, and getting a response such as, "I don't feel good", "I wish I had more money", I never have enough time to get everything done" and other negative things that left him wishing he had never asked that question to start with.
He went on to talk about how nice it would be if everyone would just take 5 minutes at the start of each day to look at the wonders of the world. To appreciate something that they take for granted everyday; like the sunrise; the clouds, a flower, a tree or the sound of a baby crying because that represented life; and is a miracle in itself.
His morning sermon on being grateful for life, for challenges and for the little things was something that I will never forget. The most important thing I learned that day has changed my attitude on everything; and little did I know how much that lesson would carry me through so many things; health issues from being diagnosed with heart problems then MS to dealing with teen issues. But the plague of death that hit our family was some of the darkest times I have had to face. Starting with the death of my grandson, then my father in law, and then only 3 months later...the suicide of my oldest son followed by yet more death; my mother in law, my dear friend and my grandmother. But what is hardest right now is all the baggage that has polluted our life as a result of our son's tragic suicide.
What I learned is this: Look for a silver lining in EVERY situation. Find one good thing that came from it (or more if you can), and cling to that. It will keep you from dwelling on the bad; it will give you hope and keep you positive in the most dire circumstance. And if you look for the silver lining; no matter what it is you are dealing with; YOU WILL FIND IT! I do promise you that. So, as it is... I am always looking for my silver lining. Even if it is the most minuscule thing.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
I've thought about starting my own blog for a while, one that was dedicated to writing.
We already have a family blog that I occasionally update and tell about us; so I wasn't that concerned or gun-ho to do it. But last night, I couldn't sleep; literally. I think I got about an hour or two of ZZZ's if that. The problem? I kept havng a 'blog' pop into my head. One I was supposed to start, to record not only my life; but my stories. I am supposed to write it to tell about the things that might make a difference to someone else.
I think it was a conspiracy from the relatives that I have recently lost, who are now are on the other side haunting me to get my writing started. So... here it goes. I am up and running, or should I say "writing". I have so many things I have been through, survived and experienced that I am sure it is to expose my vulnerable and weak side which was made tough by living through so much pain and heartache. I have a story to tell, and I am going to tell it.
I am not sure if anyone will actually read this, or if they will care. So, it may be a huge waste of time really. But because I was nudged all night long, there must be a purpose behind it. So, I will begin my story....Stephanie's Ballad.
We already have a family blog that I occasionally update and tell about us; so I wasn't that concerned or gun-ho to do it. But last night, I couldn't sleep; literally. I think I got about an hour or two of ZZZ's if that. The problem? I kept havng a 'blog' pop into my head. One I was supposed to start, to record not only my life; but my stories. I am supposed to write it to tell about the things that might make a difference to someone else.
I think it was a conspiracy from the relatives that I have recently lost, who are now are on the other side haunting me to get my writing started. So... here it goes. I am up and running, or should I say "writing". I have so many things I have been through, survived and experienced that I am sure it is to expose my vulnerable and weak side which was made tough by living through so much pain and heartache. I have a story to tell, and I am going to tell it.
I am not sure if anyone will actually read this, or if they will care. So, it may be a huge waste of time really. But because I was nudged all night long, there must be a purpose behind it. So, I will begin my story....Stephanie's Ballad.
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