This weekend my husband and I spent a lot of time riding our motorcycle together.  We rode to some small towns, had dinner and took many back roads to enjoy the scenery.  As we drove and I watched the birds fly, the clouds change shapes and the many wonders of this world; my mind turned to Josh...my son.

My thoughts were wondering why he would choose to leave a world so full of beauty and wonder, and if where he is now is even more beautiful.  There isn't a day I don't think of him and I always wonder what would take him away from us.  What was it that he was dealing with that he felt was more than he could take, or to ask for help with it? We were close, we talked daily or almost daily.  And, with all those conversations he never mentioned that he was hurting.

During the last 21 months we have sought answers to many questions surrounding his suicide.  WHY? is the biggest question, and the one question that any family who faces our circumstances will ask.  And, sadly it is the one question we may never really find an answer to.

Josh had the world going for him or so we thought.  He took his life on June 2, 2009.  A few months before his 30th birthday.  He was an outgoing, fun and energetic person that EVERYONE loved to be around.  We always heard how funny he is (was) and how he made it so fun to go to work.  Josh was good looking, he had a quirky personality, he loved to play practical jokes, and impersonate celebrities IE; Jim Carey. Josh had many friends, a great job...a family.  He had just finished the basement in the home they lived in.  He was a tropical aquarium enthusiast, and had just built a 6ft aquarium into the wall to house his many exotic fish he had accumulated.  It was amazing! He adored his baby girl who was only 8months old at the time of his death; he seemed to have the world ahead of him....and not something he would leave behind.

After doing some research on the subject of suicide we found some eye opening statistics.  Those statistics are what also drive us to be such advocates to prevent suicide.  Some of my thoughts and findings are:

• How often do you read the obituaries and see a young persons picture, and you are automatically drawn to that person to see what happened?  You read the obituary to find out why they passed away so young, yet often there is not a cause of death listed.  That is because many of those deaths are by suicide, and the taboo of listing such a cause is not only embarrassing but makes the family vulnerable to questions and assumptions that the deceased person was either crazy or had issues.  On the contrary, if everyone was required to list the cause of death in an obituary, those that took their life would then be made public, and the realization would be made that suicide is a growing problem and needs to be addressed.  Wouldn’t there then be a new awareness of the hidden problem called depression? 
• For every suicide there are about 10 people that are directly affected by the death (family, friends, co-workers etc.).  That means for the 33, 500 suicides that occur every year in the United States, there are at least 335, 000 people that are left behind dealing with the tragedy.
• Women actually attempt suicide more than men.  Statistically, females attempting suicide is a three to one ratio over men.  However, more males die from their suicide attempts than females; at a four to one ratio because they typically use a firearm, while females generally use drugs.  Of both men and women, there are approximately 750,000 attempted suicides per year that didn’t end fatally. This only proves that there is a growing problem in our society; not only with suicide; but more importantly depression, since untreated depression is the number one cause of suicide and attempts of suicide.
• Some of the best sources on suicide information are:

      1.     http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

2.     http://suicide.org

3.     http://www.psycom.net/depression.central.suicide.html

4.     Suicide: Survivors. A guide for those left behind - Adina Wrableski

Who knew that GOOGLE blog spot would become my diary of sorts? And, who knew that so many people would actually want to read it?!  Thank you for visiting my blog, and for your interest in my story.

I really do want to make a difference somehow by being candid and open with the challenges that I have experienced; you know... the ones that have molded me into a 'stronger woman' (wink)  OK, that may be a questionable statement on being stronger, but I do feel like I now fit the cliche'.  "That which doesn't kill you will make you stronger".

So? You wonder, what is it exactly that I have been through and what is the deal?  I haven't been through any more than many of you.  We all have our own burdens to bear. Some people have health problems, some money problems, some relationship problems, and some just have problems; if you know what I mean.  :)  But, most of us wouldn't trade those problems after we know what other options we might have had to deal with.

I am the oldest of 6 children.  I was not a perfect child, but I will tell you I didn't get into trouble. I was always the responsible, dependable and obedient kid.  I graduated with a 4.0 and overall 3.97 GPA.  The amazing part of that is that while I graduated with such a high grade point average, I also graduated with an 8 month old baby.

I feel like Loretta Lynn, I was a child bride.  I got married at 16 during my junior year of high school, and broke one of many statistics by not only finishing high school, but by graduating with high honors.  I loved learning, I still do.  I love the exhilaration of gaining knowledge and being able to apply it.  What I am not digging so much is the lessons that life teaches us.  But, I figure that knowledge is knowledge, and it is still something I can apply...by teaching someone else what I have learned.

I had a great childhood.  The only thing I can complain about is being the oldest and having to do more of the chores, or babysitting.  Or maybe that I had to wear glasses since I was in the 3rd grade.  A real self esteem hit, especially when my aunt who was a beautician poofed  my hair up for school pictures (it was a major bouffant Doris Day look) which wasn't the style in those days for a 4th grader; and not only did I feel like a geek, I truly looked the part for that photo. UGH.

So, the fact that overall I was a really good kid, I still ponder just what I did to deserve some of the things I have faced.  I will never know what the answer to that question is until after I am gone, but like I said before...I think I was either last in line while up in heaven for the good stuff, or else I am truly supposed to learn and teach. 

Stay tuned for my first lesson~

Something I often get asked is, "How do you keep going with all you've been through"?  My answer is that you have a choice.  The choice is to give up or follow through and endure.  Endurance is not the easiest route sometimes, but I will tell you it is the most rewarding option when you conquer yet another thing that you never thought you could, or would ever have to. 

I think when we were all in heaven and God was passing out trials for us to deal with on earth, I must of been a martyr of sorts.  Nobody wanted to deal with some of the things that were being handed out, and when nobody would own the adversity being offered; I must have felt bad--and I am guessing I must of kept raising my hand to take on those problems too.  So, whether I was a sucker for punishment in heaven, or whether I am actually being used to teach a lesson, learn a lesson, or all of the above...
I am in it for the ride.

I don't want to lead you to believe that my life sucks, because it doesn't.  My life has had so many wonderful moments that I have been able to seize and experience and I am very blessed. 

One early morning I was driving to work during a rain storm, I flipped on the radio to loose myself to music because I was in the mode of being sad, feeling sorry for my pathetic situation and circumstances and just wanted a diversion.  Instead it was not music that met my ears, it was the radio DJ which happened to be the morning family radio talk show/music host each morning.  He was talking about how sick he was of asking people how they were, and getting a response such as, "I don't feel good", "I wish I had more money", I never have enough time to get everything done" and other negative things that left him wishing he had never asked that question to start with.

He went on to talk about how nice it would be if everyone would just take 5 minutes at the start of each day to look at the wonders of the world. To appreciate something that they take for granted everyday; like the sunrise; the clouds, a flower, a tree or the sound of a baby crying because that represented life; and is a miracle in itself.

His morning sermon on being grateful for life, for challenges and for the little things was something that I will never forget.  The most important thing I learned that day has changed my attitude on everything; and little did I know how much that lesson would carry me through so many things; health issues from being diagnosed with heart problems then MS to dealing with teen issues. But the plague of death that hit our family was some of the darkest times I have had to face.  Starting with the death of my grandson, then my father in law, and then only 3 months later...the suicide of my oldest son followed by yet more death; my mother in law, my dear friend and my grandmother.  But what is hardest right now is all the baggage that has polluted our life as a result of our son's tragic suicide. 

What I learned is this: Look for a silver lining in EVERY situation. Find one good thing that came from it (or more if you can), and cling to that.  It will keep you from dwelling on the bad; it will give you hope and keep you positive in the most dire circumstance.  And if you look for the silver lining; no matter what it is you are dealing with; YOU WILL FIND IT!   I do promise you that.  So, as it is... I am always looking for my silver lining.  Even if it is the most minuscule thing.

I've thought about starting my own blog for a while, one that was dedicated to writing.

We already have a family blog that I occasionally update and tell about us; so I wasn't that concerned or gun-ho to do it.  But last night, I couldn't sleep; literally. I think I got about an hour or two of ZZZ's if that.  The problem?  I kept havng a 'blog' pop into my head.  One I was supposed to start, to record not only my life; but my stories.  I am supposed to write it to tell about the things that might make a difference to someone else. 

I think it was a conspiracy from the relatives that I have recently lost, who are now are on the other side haunting me to get my writing started.  So... here it goes.   I am up and running, or should I say "writing".  I have so many things I have been through, survived and experienced that I am sure it is to expose my vulnerable and weak side which was made tough by living through so much pain and heartache.  I have a story to tell, and I am going to tell it.

I am not sure if anyone will actually read this, or if they will care.  So, it may be a huge waste of time really. But because I was nudged all night long, there must be a purpose behind it.  So, I will begin my story....Stephanie's Ballad.